Last week it took me over an hour to drive nine miles into work. I could have biked there faster, or maybe even ran it. However, I work in I.T. and software developers have the muscle tone of Jell-O. Really good developers have the muscle tone of tapioca. So there I was, creeping along in stop-and-go traffic. Again. And again. And again.
Now one of the alleged benefits of working in I.T. is the ability to telecommute. In fact, we invented telecommuting and texting specifically so that we wouldn’t have to drag our butts out of bed, get in the shower, and drive into work. You see, developers got into this business because wearing pants to work was not a prerequisite.
We just want to be left alone with your woefully inadequate requirements so that we can produce software that no one understands but us.
But, I digress. I had to travel into the office to teach a class. Some students remain uncomfortable with virtual instructor-led training. Go figure. So I sat in traffic. And sat. And sat.
During my commute I began to think of ways to resolve the traffic bottlenecks around our nation’s capitol. Here is my simple five step plan for freeing our highways and byways from gridlock:
Step 1: Convert to Scientology
Scientologists can choose to have their Thetans commute to work. Meanwhile, their souless bodies can stay home, get drunk, play x-box, and watch the View. Since the Thetan is lighter than air and is presumably carbon-emission neutral, they might even qualify for an HOV exemption.
Step 2: Build Private Showers at the Workplace
I am totally into bicycling. In fact, I’ve biked into work on occasion. Only once did I throw up a lung. In any event, the problem with riding a bike into work is the sweat factor. If you want to be workplace friendly you need to take a shower once you arrive. Unfortunately, my building has group showers. Now, I’m no homophobe and don’t think I have a “wide stance”. But showering with some other dude is just….well, gay….unless you’re a professional athlete.
Now the thing I don’t understand about the pro’s is why they don’t have private showers. These guys get paid more in one day than your average joe makes in a lifetime. Can’t they afford to put in some private stalls? Think about that. Maybe its why they’re always carrying around guns.
Software developers engineer systems to assure privacy and security. Why is this such a difficult concept to apply in the real world?
Step 3: Ban all Deliveries during rush hour
I frequently pass delivery trucks parked in clearly marked as no parking/no standing zone. I’ve witnessed these bozos blocking traffic for miles. Anyone making a delivery during rush hour should be flogged on television. I suggest we hire Mel Gibson to direct the action, “Passion of the Christ” style. Afterwards, he can blame the Jews.
See, software developers understand the concept of executing long-running, bottleneck-inducing tasks during off-peak hours. Why is this such a difficult concept for UPS and FedEx?
Step 4: Build more roads
- FACT: The major traffic artery for DC (the beltway) was completed on August 17, 1964. It took forty-six years to start an expansion project.
- FACT: A new request comes in to expand the internet bandwidth at our company about once every forty-six minutes.
As web developers, we understand that supporting more traffic requires more bandwidth. I simply cannot afford to have my highly paid employees waiting around for their computers to finish updating Facebook, download pirated MP3’s, and google for pictures of Tim Tebow’s girlfriend. More bandwidth makes us more productive. Isn’t it obvious that the same holds true for our highway system?
Step 5: Mandate open-toed sandals in the workplace
This one is sure to make everyone want to telecommute.