My Review of Alien:Covenant

(mild spoilers)

I desperately wanted to like Alien Covenant, if not simply for the fact that they killed off James Franco within the first 5 minutes. Unfortunately, I found it to be a grossly derivative rehashing of “best of” moments from other Alien and rogue AI movies. By the time the credits roll, it’s clear that the “Engineers” from Prometheus not only developed the xenomorphs, but also created a virus that activated in 1987 and wiped out all creativity in Hollywood.

The plot is basically this:

In about 100 years, humanity has advanced to the point where we can create huge interstellar spaceships crewed with absolute morons, Danny McBride, and the daughter of actor Sam Waterston. A solar flare interrupts their trip so that they can receive a recorded message from the sole survivor of Prometheus mission singing “Country Roads” and change course to investigate.

No, I am not making this up.

Once they arrive it becomes quite evident that not a single member of the crew or the ship’s other 2000 inhabitants who are tasked with colonizing another planet, were ever trained in exobiology. Also, none of them have apparently ever seen a James Cameron or Ridley Scott movie before. They all received automatic weapons training, however. So I’m thinking that in the year 2100, everyone is a Republican.

On the bright side, the crew member who lights up a Marlboro on the strange, new planet is the first one to die.  Apparently he never got the Surgeon General’s memo that smoking and alien spores are bad for your health.

This, of course, is followed in short order by the blatant ignoring of quarantine procedures and series movie continuity.  Also, we see the use of firearms within a spaceship because in the future, there’s nothing that could possibly go “boom” on a spaceship. Oh, wait… no.

Anyway, the surviving crew members meet up with the android “David” from Prometheus who’s been living on this alien world for 10 years. Apparently, “David” has developed a deep hatred of humanity because his creator foolishly gave him access to Facebook and Instagram. This triggers his built-in HAL-9000 subroutines to further drive the plot towards an ending that should surprise absolutely no one at all.

In summary, a more appropriate title for this movie would have been “Alien: Been there, done that.”

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