Category Archives: Humor

I Can’t Fight This Framework Anymore…

I can’t fight this framework any longer.
It seems like such a really great gizmo
What started out as a small ZIP
Has grown larger.
And its learning curve will make my work go slow

I tell myself that I can’t hold out forever.
Friends said there is no reason for my fear.
I feel so secure when I read their forums
It should give my work direction,
And make everything so clear.

And even as I ponder,
Converting every app in sight
Its docs make my brow furrow
As I code late into the night
But I’m getting closer than I ever thought I might.

And I can’t fight this framework anymore.
Writing my own code is such a chore.
Gotta learn before my job gets shipped offshore
And stays in Eastern Europe forever

And I can’t fight this framework anymore.
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for.
It’s time to put my app into the store,
And delete the backdoors, forever.

Cause I can’t fight this framework anymore.
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for.
Tired of my ux being an eyesore
Gonna show my boss I am hardcore!
Baby, I can’t fight this framework anymore.

The only diploma that you’ll ever need

I was headed home late on Friday night when blue flashing lights suddenly appeared in my rear-view mirror.  As I pulled over to the side of the road, directly in front of a Chipotle restaurant, my thoughts alternated between despair and hunger. For you see, there were at least two traffic infractions that I knew that I had just committed.

  1. Speeding
  2. Not coming to a complete stop on a right-turn on red

But I did not fear. as my training as a magna-cum-laude graduate of the David A. Gallerizzo Traffic Ticket Avoidance Academy reflexively kicked-in.

“Remember your training, and you will survive”
-David A. Gallerizzo

As my sensei taught me, you must follow the path:

  1. Remain calm, focus your chi, and do not remove your hands from the steering wheel until after the officer approaches.
  2. Look as sad, exhausted, and pathetic as possible. This comes naturally to the master.
  3. Always respond in a respectful and honest manner.
  4. Resist all temptation to use social media during the encounter.

My conversation with the officer went thusly:

Me: Hello, Officer. How may I be of assistance to you on this fine, yet chilly evening?

Officer: (chucked). Well Sir, I think the question is how can I help you?

Me: I apologize officer, did I not come to a complete stop before making a right-turn on that last traffic light?

Officer: Do you know that the speed limit on Lee Highway is well-under 60 Mph? Do you know how fast you were going?

(At this point, I’m thinking…”oh, shit!” You see, the speed limit on that stretch of road is around 35 Mph)

Me (remembering my training): Honestly officer, I do not. You see, I just got off a frustrating 12-hour shift at work. My diet today has consisted of two slices of cold pizza and 7 cups of coffee. I’m just trying to make it over to that Chipotle across the street to grab some food, drive home, and then pass out from exhaustion.

Officer: Can I see your drivers license and registration please?

Me: (gulp). Of course, sir.

Officer: Do you have any weapons in the car?

(Now at this point, I had actually considered replying – “just my disarming wit, sir” Those who have known me for a long time know that I’m not making this up. It’s just the way that my brain operates)

Me: No sir!

(At this point, the officer retires to his cruiser to (presumably) pull up my driving record…I’m hoping that their records don’t include traffic camera infractions and that I won’t be seeing the judge who throws drivers in jail for each Mph that they were driving in excess of 30 Mph over the speed limit. My training returns. Be calm. Be confident. Be cool.)

The officer approaches…

Officer: You said you just got off work?

Me: Yes, sir! 

Officer: Ok, slow down. And have a nice night.

Me: Thank you officer!

(I start my car and make a slow, respectful turn into the Chipotle. Before digging into my 18,000 calorie salad, I thank my sensei in silent prayer)

 

Sequestration! (a song parody)

(sing to the tune of Interjection! from Schoolhouse Rock)

When the country had a debt that accrued, uh-huh-huh,
The Congress knew just what to do-hoo
Wait until the election
Too scared to make a correction
And freak us all out with sequestration!

Hey! That smarts!
Ouch! That hurts!
Yow! That’s not fair taking that funding from down there!

Sequestration shows excitement(Yow!) and emotion(Ouch!)
It’s generally set apart from a nuisance by a maturation point
and by drama when the courage isn’t so strong
mmmm…

The President played hard to get, uh huh
John Boener knew he’d woo him ye-et
He showed his affection
Despite tea party objection
And both houses of Congress passed sequestration

Well! You’ve got some nerve!
Oh! I’ve never been so insulted in all my life!
Hey! You’re kinda cute!

Sequestration (Well!) shows excitement (Oh!) and emotion (Hey!)
It’s generally set apart from a nuisance by a maturation point
and by drama when the courage isn’t so strong

So when you’re unhappy }} {Ugh!}
And sad }} {Aw!}
And frightened }} {Eeeeeek!}
And mad }} {Rats!}
And frustrated }} {Doh!}
And bad }} {Eff!}

Sequestration started the day just right!

After six months, no progress at all.. uh huh
When the Senate found that they had the ba-all
Joe Biden made a connection
Tax rates went the wrong direction
And the crowd started shouting for sequestration!

Sequestration shows excitement and emotion
It’s generally set apart from a nuisance by a maturation point
and by drama when the courage isn’t so strong

So when you’re unhappy }} {Ugh!}
And sad }} {Aw!}
And frightened }} {Eeeeeek!}
And mad }} {Rats!}
And frustrated }} {Doh!}
And bad }} {Eff!}

Sequestration started the day just right!

Sequestration shows excitement and emotion
It’s generally set apart from a nuisance by a maturation point
and by drama when the courage isn’t so strong

Sequestions
Shows excitement!
And emotion!
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah . . . yeah!!

Red Vs. Blue – Part One: Gun Control

As a die-hard centrist, I often have conversations with myself about politics. They never really lead anywhere, but sometimes it’s a nice intellectual diversion from my daily routine.

B: Humans are the only true weapons of mass destruction
R: Wait…what?
B: Throughout our history we have destroyed nearly everything that we have come into contact with – the environment, other species, and each other. And we keep inventing new gadgets to destroy things more efficiently.
R: I don’t think that you can hold iOS Maps responsible for….
B: We need gun control.
R: Ah, there it is!
B: We’ve needed gun control for decades now.
R: People have a right to defend themselves from others – and their government. 
B: Have you ever fired a gun?
R: Of course.
B: How easy was it?
R: I think that it takes approximately 2.5lbs of pressure to pull a trigger on most firearms.
B: So with roughly the same effort that it takes to wave your Albus Dumbledore memorial wand of power, you can kill someone.
R: Well, you do have to aim it.
B: Not if I use a semi-automatic weapon. That takes about as much skill as aiming my pee into the bowl. I can just keep firing until I hit something.
R: Yeah, I’ve uh…seen your work. Please don’t buy a gun. You’d hurt yourself. And besides, your pee doesn’t have recoil.
B: That depends on whether I’ve eaten asparagus. But…point taken.
R: Look, our right to bear arms is in the Constitution. It’s the second amendment to the Bill of Rights. Perhaps you’ve heard of it?
B: Yes, I’ve analyzed it throughly. It clearly states: A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

R: So there it is!
B: Indeed. Given the context of the times, I agree with you that the country’s founders wanted a well-armed populace to protect themselves against a corrupt government that might seek to curtail personal liberties.

R: So…case closed then?

B: In your dreams, Wyatt Earp. I doubt that Jefferson could have envisioned our modern weaponry. It’s tough to go on a rampage with a musket. Haven’t you seen ‘The Patriot?’

R: The one with Mel Gibson or the one with Steven Segal?
B: What a senseless waste of human life.
R: Agreed. Segal should have stopped making movies after Under Siege. Regardless, I think that the framers were looking for parity – that as long as the people could access the same weapons as the government, the government would be disinclined to repress the people.

B: Disinclined to monitor all of our emails and voice communications?
R: But the Patriot Act keeps us safe!
B: Perhaps, but at what cost? And infringing on our right to privacy hardly seems ‘Patriotic’ to me.
R: Do you want to stand on principle, or on the rubble of another building brought down by terrorists?

B: You seem to be very…fearful.

R: Have you seen your local news lately? It’s a scary world. There is much to be feared
B: We cannot give into fear. Fear leads to the dark side.
R: Geek. I don’t understand how we stay friends.
B: Yes, I’ve watched the local news. Horrible, tragic things going on at Verizon Center. The Wizards are just awful this year.

R: No dumbass, I’m referring to all of the random acts of violence.

B: You mean all the random acts of gun violence.
R: Of course. The people must have a right to defend themselves. 

B: Ah, got it. It all makes perfect sense now.

 

R: And besides, perhaps this was part of God’s plan.
B: Are you off your meds?
R: God operates in ways that we cannot hope to understand.
B: Well, first off – my God is William Shatner, and I’m pretty sure that he doesn’t want this. The news reports are pre-empting the TJ Hooker reruns.
R: No, I’m referring to my lord and savior Jesus Christ.
B: Well, I’m reasonably sure that if he walked the Earth today, his first comment to us would be “What the hell is wrong with you people?” And then he’d step outside of the Vatican.
R: Wait, what?
B: Well, if Jesus “died for our sins,” he’d probably be a little ticked off that His people haven’t done a particularly good job of observing His teachings.

For example:
“Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever hall kill shall be in danger of the judgment”

So I’m reasonably sure that Jesus probably wouldn’t be in favor of the possession or development of firearms that make killing even more efficient.

R: I’m sure that Jesus didn’t mean that you shouldn’t be able to defend yourself.
B: Well, I suppose that depends on your interpretation of ‘Thou shalt not kill’. That seems pretty unequivocal to me.
R: But you’re taking the quote out of context!
B: You don’t say? I suppose that it’s possible. I just randomly copy and paste stuff from Wikipedia and hope for the best. But I do seem to recall a big diatribe about how you should also love your enemies.
R: America is a Christian nation, and our constitution was inspired by God.
B: Oh, now you’re just making stuff up. America was certainly not founded as a Christian nation. It was founded as a secular nation. That’s why we have the guaranteed separation of church and state and a multitude of protections that guarantee religious freedom for all.
R: That’s the most ridiculous thing that I’ve ever heard. I know that America was founded on Christian values.
B: Oh here we go.
R: Furthermore, If God was more omnipresent in the schools, we’d have fewer problems like this.
B: You can’t fight crazy with crazy. But, setting that aside for a moment, I’ve observed that throughout history a ton of violence has been justified on religious grounds.
R: The crusades have nothing to do with this.
B: I was actually referring to the Spanish Inquisition
R: That’s unfair – no one expected the Spanish Inquisition!
B: Yeah, I’ve..uh..heard that somewhere before. However, if you think that exposure to church doctrine is highly correlative to moral actions, there are more than a few sexually abused children who would beg to differ.
R: They clearly did not believe enough.
B: I’ll tell you what I believe – Religion is a mechanism of control. And while some might find it helpful, if you look at human history one can only reach the conclusion that it has done much more harm than good.
R: I’ll pray for your soul.
B: Don’t waste your time.

R: So where does that leave us?
B: Well, looking at the stats I have reached the inescapable conclusion that we need a ban on guns, that religion is no damned good, and you might need to get back on your meds.
R: And I’ve reached the conclusion that you are a godless ass.
B: True. But that doesn’t mean that I’m wrong.

 

My Personal Feng Shui Needs an Upgrade

One of my new year’s resolutions is to stop dressing like a slob. So to achieve this goal, I signed up the ‘The Trunk Club’ where they send you a trunk of coordinated clothes each month to try on. Part of the deal is that you have a conversation with a fashion consultant so they can decide what to send you. My conversation went something like this:

Fashion consultant (FC): So, how would you describe your dress style?
Me: It’s casual at the office. I usually wear jeans and a company branded sport shirt. Or I wear a shirt from one of our business partner organizations.
FC: What kind of jeans?
Me: They’re…um, Blue.
FC: O-kay. How do you dress on weekends?
Me: I usually dress like a freshman college student who has been on a bender the night before. Usually mismatched sweatpants and a sweatshirt. Last weekend I was wearing Michigan State sweatpants and a University of MD sweatshirt. It was very confusing. If it’s a special occasion, I put on a red polo shirt that I bought in 1995.
FC: So…enough about how you dress today. How would you like to dress?
Me: Less like “Bluto”, more like “Otter”
FC: Excuse me?
Me: Well, I’m 43 years old. I think that it’s high time that I start dressing like someone who actually graduated from College.
FC: Ok, so you need a total fashion makeover.
Me: Bingo!
FC: Do you need shoes?
Me: Yes. Preferably ones without laces. As all of my friends know, I have a real problem with shoelaces.
FC: Am I being punk’d?
Me: Sadly, no.
FC: Ok, I’ll put together your trunk.
Me: Better send that via FedEx.

http://www.trunkclub.com/

Song Parody: Code It (Sung to Beat It)

They Told Him Don’t You Ever Come Around Here
Don’t Wanna See Your Code, You Better Disappear
The Fire’s In Their Eyes But their Spec is unclear
So Code It, Just Code It

You Better Run it and Debug What You Can
Don’t Wanna See No Comments, You’re A Macho Man
You Wanna Be Tough, Better Do What You Can
So Code It, But You Wanna Be Bad

Just Code It, Code It, Code It, Code It
Put your Macbook on your lap and Commode it!
Showin’ How Funky Spec’s aren’t right
Launching an App is always a fight
Just Code It, Code It
Code It, Code It
Just Code It, Code It
Code It, Code It

The Network Admin’s Out To Get You, Better Do What You Can
Access Really Sucks But You have a Backup Plan
You Want the App to Scale, Better Do What You Can
So Code It, Just Code It

You Have To Show the Client That You’re Really Not Scared
Unit Tests are in the Red – This Ain’t No Truth Or Dare
The Specs Have Changed Again But They Tell You That’s Fair
So Code It, But You Wanna Be Bad

Just Code It, Code It, Code It, Code It
We’re gonna launch an app that’s Outmoded!
Showin’ How Funky Strong Is Your Fight
It Doesn’t Matter Who’s Wrong Or Right
Just Code It…Code It…Code It..Code It…

Here I go again on my phone… Another song parody.

By Steve Drucker and Joe Rinehart
(sing to the tune of Whitesnake’s Here I go Agin…)

I don’t know where it’s going, but I sure know where it’s been
Hanging on the promises of the scope of yesterday
But I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time
On the code again…
On the code again…

Though I keep asking for an answer
I never get what I’m looking for
Oh Lord I pray You give me the strength to carry on,
‘Cuz they don’t know what it means
To make all my unit tests turn green

Here I go again on my phone.
Conference calls are all that I’ve ever known.
Like a coder I just want to be left alone.
I’ve shut down my mind, and I’m wasting so much time.

Just another project in need of rescue
Team’s waiting for some spec clarity
An’ I’m gonna hate them for the rest of my days
‘Cause they don’t know what they mean
How their stupid changes wreck my dreams

An’ here I go again on my phone.
Conference calls are all that I’ve ever known.
Like a coder I just want to be left alone.
But I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time.

So here I go again on my own
Gonna use MY framework, all of it’s home grown
Like a consultant, I was born to code alone
Cuz I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time
Here I go again

Here I go again on my own
Holy crap how this spec has really grown!
My vacation might need to be postponed
Now I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time
Browsing dice.com again…
Browsing dice.com again…

An’ here I go again on my phone.
Conference calls are all that I’ve ever known.
Like a coder I just want to be left alone.
But I’ve made up my mind
I ain’t wasting no more time.
Here I go again…

Thank God I’m a Coder Boy!

Well life at the Fig ain’t very laid back
Ain’t much an old coder boy like me can’t hack
It’s early to rise, late in the sack
Thank God, I’m a Coder Boy

Got up in the morning, ain’t feeling fine
Last night’s code took too much time
Too much script with buggy lines
Thank God, I’m a Coder Boy

Well passing variables by value never did me no harm
Sometimes raisin’ an exception sometimes workin’ like a charm
Got API docs tatooed on my forearm
Thank God I’m a Coder boy

When the work’s all done and the sun’s settin’ low
I turn on the XBox and get gears of war to show
The kids are asleep so I keep it kinda low
Thank God I’m a coder boy

Well I got me a fine wife, I got me some skittles
When the sun’s comin’ up I got tweets and some twittles
Recursion ain’t nothin’ but a funny, funny riddle
Thank God I’m a coder boy

Well I wouldn’t trade my Bimmer for diamonds or jewels
I never was one of them metrosexual fools
I’d rather have my SDK’s and my development tools
Thank God I’m a coder boy

Yeah, venture cap folk drivin in a black limousine
A lotta stock holders thinkin’ that’s a mighty keen
Son, let me tell ya now exactly what I mean
I thank God I’m a coder boy

Well I got me a fine wife, I got me some skittles
When the sun’s comin’ up I got tweets and some twittles
Recursion ain’t nothin’ but a funny, funny riddle
Thank God I’m a coder boy

Well, my iPad was my daddy’s til the day he died
And he took me by the hand and and held me close to his side
He said…”Live a good life and code mobile apps with pride
And thank God you’re a coder boy”

My daddy taught me young how to code and how to debug
He taught me how to work hard and that coffee was a drug
Taught me how to love and how to jagermeister chug
Thank God I’m a coder boy

Well I got me a fine wife, I got me some skittles
When the sun’s comin’ up I got tweets and some twittles
Recursion ain’t nothin’ but a funny, funny riddle
Thank God I’m a coder boy

Well thank God I’m a coder boy!
Thank God I’m a coder boy!!

A little friendly iPhone vs Android Banter

The following is an excerpt from a recent email thread. The names have been changed to protect the ignorant.

====================================================================

iPhoneLuvR:

Wow. And you guys are okay with this?

http://arstechnica.com/security/news/2010/09/some-android-apps-found-to-covertly-send-gps-data-to-advertisers.ars
====================================================================
AndroidLuvR1:

Sure. I don’t frequent strip clubs.

====================================================================
AndroidLuvR2:

When you install an application on Android, it actually lists what it
can do. If the app doesn’t list GPS access, it can’t read GPS data. So
if you install an application that isn’t supposed to use GPS, it won’t
be able to do that. If the app does list GPS access, you have to
decide whether you trust the application.

I don’t see how that’s any different from iPhone, except that iPhone
doesn’t give you that list up front.

http://www.google.com/search?q=iphone+malware&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8&aq=t&client=firefox-a&rlz=1R1GGGL_en___US346

And it’s not like Steve Jobs is doing code review on those apps, you know.
====================================================================
AndroidLuvr2:

Oh, and having a phone feature that works is a bonus, too. Or so AndroidLuvr1 tells me.

Oh, and I hear you may be able to actually install Google Voice soon.
Maybe you’ll get decent free built-in navigation and voice recognition
soon too. Or maybe not. The iPhone does currently have a significant
edge in the vital fart app market, though.

One other big difference I forgot to mention. Up until iOS 4 you
really couldn’t run malware on the iPhone effectively due to its lack
of multitasking.
====================================================================
iPhoneLuvr:

lol. I miss how spun up you get.

Sorry. But I don’t trust a device where the individual app developers decide what they believe “security” and “privacy” mean.

And for the record my iPhone makes calls. Most of the time.
====================================================================
AndroidLuvr2:

I am a zealous fighter in the everlasting war against stupidity. But
it’s a lot of work.

> Sorry. But I don’t trust a device where the individual app developers decide
> what they believe “security” and “privacy” mean.

Uh, so you clearly don’t install any apps from the App Store, right?
Because again, they’re not doing code reviews there. They simply
respond to problems after they happen, and they don’t let you access
unpublished APIs. But as more and more APIs get published, there’s
more functionality to take advantage of.

Also, the Android Market is free of this kind of fraud, since it
doesn’t have the same kind of one-stop purchase validation as Apple:

http://www.h-online.com/security/news/item/Apple-ejects-vendor-following-App-Store-security-problems-1034034.html

But I guess that finding a thousand-dollar charge on my credit card
bill isn’t a big deal compared to a phone app sending someone my
location or phone number.

Or maybe Steve Jobs was right in the first place, before he introduced
the app store and the bright future was supposed to be web apps.

> And for the record my iPhone makes calls. Most of the time.

Let’s play a little word game here: imagine yourself saying “And for
the record I can get an erection. Most of the time.” Would you be
satisfied with that level of performance?
====================================================================
AndroidLuvr1:

Oh, I never had very few problems _initiating_ calls.

Finishing them was a whole other matter entirely.

Oh, one other thing iPhoneLuvr –

Your mother dresses you funny.
====================================================================
iPhoneLuvr:

You are a zealot, that’s for sure. Sometimes I forget that you will reply to each and every email… until the end of time… forever. Debating you is a battle of attrition, but fortunately, not a battle of wits. 😉

They review Apps for purpose and behavior. And at least they have *some* kind of a vetting process. Android has…… nothing. Free market, yes, but you are on your own. Its like the Thunderdome of app development. That must make you Blaster… “Who run Thunderdome??”

You need to reread that article. Exactly WHAT governing body will warn a user of fraud on the Android? None.

And Leave my virile erections out of this.

====================================================================
iPhoneLuvr > AndroidLuvR1

Listen “me too”, when we want to hear the monkey speak we’ll start the organ. In the mean time sit on the corner and hold out that tin cup.

====================================================================

AndroidLuvR1 > iPhoneLuvr

See now I’ve been meaning to call you to schedule a lunch together, but figured your phone would just drop the call before I had a chance to relay the information.

====================================================================

iPhoneLuvr:

Leave a message monkeyboy. I’d be happy to meet you for lunch.

====================================================================

AndroidLuvR2 > iPhoneLuvr

> You are a zealot, that’s for sure. Sometimes I forget that you will reply to
> each and every email… until the end of time… forever. Debating you is a
> battle of attrition, but fortunately, not a battle of wits. 😉

You are clearly the master debater.

> They review Apps for purpose and behavior. And at least they have *some*
> kind of a vetting process. Android has…… nothing. Free market, yes, but
> you are on your own. Its like the Thunderdome of app development. That must
> make you Blaster… “Who run Thunderdome??”

“Steve Jobs doesn’t like it” isn’t a process.

And it’s Master who says “Who run Thunderdome?”

> You need to reread that article. Exactly WHAT governing body will warn a
> user of fraud on the Android? None.

No, apparently YOU need to reread the article. The Android Market
doesn’t work the same way as iTunes. You give iTunes your billing
info, and that’s it. So, if I compromise your iTunes login, I can buy
stuff. I don’t need your phone or your computer. I just need your
login. The Android Market doesn’t work that way. And even if it did,
there aren’t hundreds of thousands of items that can be purchased
through it – there’s just apps. If you want music, you use something
else, like Amazon.

> > But I guess that finding a thousand-dollar charge on my credit card
> > bill isn’t a big deal compared to a phone app sending someone my
> > location or phone number.
>
> Reread the article.

Right. Well, there are tons of people who’ve been defrauded through
iTunes for thousands of dollars. There are zero people who’ve been
defrauded through the Android Market, for zero dollars. I realize math
and reading comprehension aren’t your strong suits, but try to keep
up!

> Leave my virile erections out of this.

If your standards for virile erections match your standards for
phones, I suspect the mailman’s made some extra deliveries to your
house.

==================================================================

iPhoneLuvr:

>>You are clearly the master debater.

I am when I’m alone.

>> “Steve Jobs doesn’t like it” isn’t a process.

Blasphemy.

>> And it’s Master who says “Who run Thunderdome?”

I know. It was an insult, Blaster. We all know know who the Master on your back is. There’s even a little resemblance… lol

>> Right. Well, there are tons of people who’ve been defrauded through
iTunes for thousands of dollars. There are zero people who’ve been
defrauded through the Android Market, for zero dollars. I realize math
and reading comprehension aren’t your strong suits, but try to keep
up!

You don’t know that. The Droid09 app may or may not have been caught before fraud took place. Since the Android is less newsworthy who knows what additional fraud may silently be taking place.

And my reading comprehension is excellent. My spelling is what sucks

>> If your standards for virile erections match your standards for phones, I suspect the mailman’s made some extra deliveries to your house.

I was wondering why my kids have red hair. Damned gingers!

My Traffic Manifesto

Last week it took me over an hour to drive nine miles into work. I could have biked there faster, or maybe even ran it.  However,  I work in I.T. and software developers have the muscle tone of Jell-O. Really good developers have the muscle tone of tapioca. So there I was, creeping along in stop-and-go traffic. Again. And again. And again.

Now one of the alleged benefits of working in I.T. is the ability to telecommute. In fact, we invented telecommuting and texting specifically so that we wouldn’t have to drag our butts out of bed, get in the shower, and drive into work. You see, developers got into this business because wearing pants to work was not a prerequisite.

We just want to be left alone with your woefully inadequate requirements so that we can produce software that no one understands but us.

But, I digress. I had to travel into the office to teach a class. Some students remain uncomfortable with virtual instructor-led training. Go figure. So I sat in traffic. And sat. And sat.

During my commute I began to think of ways to resolve the traffic bottlenecks around our nation’s capitol.  Here is my simple five step plan for freeing our highways and byways from gridlock:

Step 1: Convert to Scientology

Scientologists can choose to have their Thetans commute to work. Meanwhile, their souless bodies can stay home, get drunk, play x-box, and watch the View.  Since the Thetan is lighter than air and is presumably carbon-emission neutral, they might even qualify for an HOV exemption.

Step 2: Build Private Showers at the Workplace

I am totally into bicycling. In fact, I’ve biked into work on occasion. Only once did I throw up a lung. In any event, the problem with riding a bike into work is the sweat factor. If you want to be workplace friendly you need to take a shower once you arrive. Unfortunately, my building has group showers. Now, I’m no homophobe and don’t think I have a “wide stance”.  But showering with some other dude is just….well, gay….unless you’re a professional athlete.

Now the thing I don’t understand about the pro’s is why they don’t have private showers. These guys get paid more in one day than your average joe makes in a lifetime. Can’t they afford to put in some private stalls? Think about that. Maybe its why they’re always carrying around guns.

Software developers engineer systems to assure privacy and security. Why is this such a difficult concept to apply in the real world?

Step 3: Ban all Deliveries during rush hour

I frequently pass delivery trucks parked in clearly marked as no parking/no standing zone. I’ve witnessed these bozos blocking traffic for miles. Anyone making a delivery during rush hour should be flogged on television.  I suggest we hire Mel Gibson to direct the action, “Passion of the Christ” style. Afterwards, he can blame the Jews.

See, software developers understand the concept of executing long-running, bottleneck-inducing tasks during off-peak hours. Why is this such a difficult concept for UPS and FedEx?

Step 4: Build more roads

  • FACT: The major traffic artery for DC (the beltway) was completed on August 17, 1964. It took forty-six years to start an expansion project.
  • FACT: A new request comes in to expand the internet bandwidth at our company about once every forty-six minutes.

As web developers, we understand that supporting more traffic requires more bandwidth. I simply cannot afford to have my highly paid employees waiting around for their computers to finish updating Facebook, download  pirated MP3’s, and google for pictures of Tim Tebow’s girlfriend. More bandwidth makes us more productive.  Isn’t it obvious that the same holds true for our highway system?

Step 5: Mandate open-toed sandals in the workplace

This one is sure to make everyone want to telecommute.

Druck I.T.

Postscript: Contact Seth Land (sland@figleaf.com) to learn about how Adobe Connect Pro can put an end to your commuting woes.